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WW1 Player's Instinctive Brains and The Paths of Autism


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Ladies and gentlemen, my trick of the evening is one that involves considerable risk. Anyone in the audience that would be irrevocably damaged by seeing grown men lose their sanity playing games should leave. When i tell you that there’s been players slitting their wrists and bathing in their own blood after getting landed, you will understand the seriousness of the dangers involved. In my ISH travels i have seen the future of the players, and it is a strange future indeed, because they have no future, ISH players reach exceeds their actual skills. What you’re about to read here is not fiction, it is purely science, as i invite you to scroll down so you can examine the WW1’s players instinctive brains and the paths of autism they travel through to enjoy their passion.

 

 

Infantry: Ability to micro infantry effectively, not throwing them away like candy, rushing howitzers, baiting, landings. 

Howitzer: Ability to micro howitzer effectively, ability to push, not losing them with retarded positioning, not getting bogged down by empty trenches. 

Plays: Player’s IQ to make plays that can save or carry his team. 

Teamwork: The ability to work well with others and come up with joint strategies to win games. 

Composure: How well a player performs to expectations of his skill and how easily can he melt in full pro games. 

Awareness: Player’s ability to notice what’s going on and how the game is being played out

Versatility: The ability to play multiple different nations effectively. 

 

For reference, you get a 70 on every skill for just spelling your name right and right clicking once per game.

 

1- Numudan

 

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Infantry: 100

Howitzer: 95

Plays: 100

Teamwork: 90

Composure: 100

Awareness: 100

Versatility: 90

 

Overall: 96

 

The warlord of WW1 ISH, exposing other players for the overrated garbage they are, namely Trench. The skill needed for WW1 ISH is usually massively overstated in a closed community that pats each other on the back for how hard the game is, when in reality the game is barely different from a cutscene and quick-time events ala God of War. Nation's playstyles are fairly straightforward and you have limited options to impact the game. Strategy is barely involved, and your objective of the game is usually to fight that same 2-inch front for most of the game. Numutard brings actual skill, with fast 10 inch hairy hands pulling off quick moves and moving hurt troops back before they’re killed. Numudan regularly reaches 300 APM with one hand only, he’s too busy masturbating with the other hand out of sheer excitement while getting double digit kills in Warzone. His composure is magisterial next to ISH players, only losing composure when he’s defeated in a 1v1 in CoH 2, where he will proceed to ask for swedish host ping in the rematch. 

 

The amount of destruction Numu creates in games is only equivalent to the amount of BBC sucking he does on a daily basis. There’s so much melanated sperm collected in Numu’s throat, his gargles sound like jazz improvisation. Numu’s ass has been passed around so much by immigrants that it’s been declared an Exclusion Zone akin to Chernobyl due to the amount of STD’s festering in his asshole. It became so bad that Numu’s signs he brought to BLM marches just consisted of multiple glory holes and having to get on all 4 limbs several times during the day to please protesters. Truly Captain Sweden at his finest, he ended up getting kicked out of CHAZ after trying to introduce them to ISH, where they quickly judged the mere act of playing the game as domestic terrorism. He resoluted to just offering refugees walks in the woods with him, which resulted in multple enemas for Numucuck. That ass was sealed so tight, it became the new benchmark for IKEA bathroom plumbing.

 

Perhaps the reason numu hates USA is because he unconsciously realizes he’d rather live over there than having to hear mosque chanting everytime he goes outside to collect his student loans. It may be that the reason he’s so good at FPS games is because he’s watched the Brenton Tarrant video in secret multiple times, studying his moves in preparation for his own moment of reckoning. Despite being only 1% of the diplo population, he gets over 50% of their warzone kills in total, his only reward for destroying his sleep schedule just so he can play with jimmy and pusan. During rare moments of clarity, he realizes this and goes to take another walk in the woods, contemplating over and over again if all of this is worth it, a question we all know the answer to.

 

2- Trench] / Jim

 

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Infantry: 95

Howitzer: 85

Plays: 100

Teamwork: 95

Composure: 75

Awareness: 100

Versatility: 85

 

Overall: 91

 

What the fuck is there more to say about jimmy? He’s the decline of the western roman empire in person and a permanent resident of the Warzone Gulag. His desperate attempt at trying to larp as an 80's yuppie have led some to refer to him as the "Sick Man of Diplo". The only thing keeping him alive is the Popeye effect cocaine has on him. Jimmy’s nose is the only human cartilage known to have a thousand yard stare, it has seen more movement than Valdivia in the 1960 earthquake. Everytime he moves it it makes a Christmas crystal ball sound. That nose has become so powerful it can compete with Jupiter’s gravitational pull. Allegedly, jimmy’s septum is so deviated that whenever he sneezes, it lands on August 1, 1914. His ability to draw in ish players and banjo ballers became fully developed, seeing as he’s capable of snorting adult human beings through his ethernet cable. 

 

Politically and artistically, Jimmy has been on a downward spiral for the last half decade. That became clear to everyone when he spent on a New Years Eve dinner an amount of money that could've financed a coup d' tate in any african nation. He campaigned for a year to become tribune of the people, but the elections were already rigged for him by a group of wealthy sheik arabs. After losing his internet job as a deputy due to sheer incompetence, the only thing he could say was “i gave you the world” on his way out. It was so bad even someone who couldn’t even finish his own tournaments like Stormy made fun of his unfinished tournaments.

 

Not wanting to go down in history as a worse tournament organizer than Spankfurt, he proceeded to host one of the biggest banjo tournaments of all time after attracting all the NEET’s with a $200 prize award offered by someone gullible enough to put it up, Power aka Big Dick Tony. It was a chance for Jimmy to redeem himself after losing every meaningful elo banjo contest against Phantomistake. Power only needed a mere glimpse of the banjo community cancer within a couple of days to quickly withdraw the prize money, leaving jimmy with 0 sponsors and playerbase, having another one of his tournaments killed within 3 days of it starting.

 

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Jim unable to contain the tsunami of autism in banjo

 

His gaming skills pulled a brexit on him in 2012 and he forever became a one or two strategy spammer. Gifted with 60 ms, he still manages to be the second worst warzone player by a large margin. His only saving grace: Landings. It’s been his signature meme tactic in sc2 with terran drops, greece with boat drops, WW1 Ish with german drops, CoH 2 with clown car drops and Warzone with his body dropping on the floor. It is said that if Jimmy was in command of the Zulu Kingdom, he would have landed on London itself, only for Jimmy to complain to EagleMan that the Buckingham Palace is too resistant to spear chunking. 

 

But attention has already given to jimmy’s landings in the past. Surely there must be something else to his arsenal so he can abuse lower ranked players, and this comes in the form of lend and lease programs. If he’s in a nation that can acquire them, he will always ask allies for infantry and transport ships for landings against opponents, effectively making it a 2v1 in terms of units brought that aren’t his. If he’s serbia, he’s willing to rage quit less than 10 minutes in if he isn’t supported by a landing on Austria. 

 

What kickstarted Jimmy’s return into ISH? Once he saw the liquor store was closed, it was basically a guarantee. It’s been a controversial return with many drunken misplays and questionable performances that have had the community and even pusan ask for a lynching, even though pusan should be the one getting lynched. However, after Jim realized he would just be the Tom to Numu’s Jerry in WW1, he fell into a depression and has resigned himself to being a benevolent sc2 stream sniper, known for losing in every single one of his attempts. His preferred targets are young female streamers, the demographic he’s used to asking pictures in discord every time he meets one, real or fake. Jimmy in 2020 feels like The Simpsons’ 31st season in terms of quality decline. The shame’s become so unsustainable that he now visits his family every weekend so they can nurture him until he heals from all the punishment his body and brain have received over the years. 

 

3- Tech0ff

 

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Infantry: 95

Howitzer: 100

Plays: 90

Teamwork: 85

Composure: 100

Awareness: 90

Versatility: 80

 

Overall: 90

 

When director David Fincher was feeling cheeky and wanted to play a practical joke on actor Brad Pitt by scaring him, a pig’s head was placed on the human corpse used for the gluttony scene in Seven, and so Tech0ff was accidentally necro’d into life.  

 

This is a man who can never be fully satiated. His family became so concerned he would eat the entire nuclear winter shelter’s supplies within an hour, they built food tubes into tech0ff’s headphones. Here is someone who went off such the deep end that when Trump was asked if there was anyone fatter than Tech0ff, he responded “Only Rosie O'Donnell”. His appetite turns his family’s Thanksgiving dinners automatically into Ramadan fastings. He spent his family’s college savings opening up an entire chain restaurant, just for himself. A man so grotesque he thought the Super Size Me documentary was a diet regime. 

 

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Tech0ff going for a swim

 

But enough objectifying with Tech0ff, what about him as a ww1 ish player? His first instinct is to go for the easiest possible role, as any form of stress will shoot up his diabetes so high, it will make the Himalayas look like a Tic Tac mint. It is well known the biggest downfall of ISH is it’’s playerbase and Tech0ff is a sure sign of it, refusing to play important slots and spamming sad and suicidal pepe memes if he isn’t coddled with hungary or serbia. 

 

Perhaps this was just the result of what happened years ago when he tried to get attention from Jimmy. Fed up with the blob following him around, Jim secured a meeting for Tech0ff with a pro sc2 team. His SC2 career was instantly ruined when on his first meeting with his manager, the latter told him “alright, take off the fat suit”, followed by a very ill-timed fart that doomed his career and made that manager shoot a harpoon at him. 

 

Years later, when he heard his master jimmy was playing ISH again he sped off to buy a breastplate stretcher to play with him. Before this, the only thing that would stop him from playing WoW raids was doing raids to the fridge, but jimmy’s return was enough of a motivation to play. He proclaimed himself as the Wilt Chamberlain of ISH, having slept with 20.000 waifus. With a playlist full of K-pop, he returned to have his greatest human meal so far.

 

4- Guim / AdmiralGuim

 

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Infantry: 90

Howitzer: 80

Plays: 95

Teamwork: 90

Composure: 90

Awareness: 90

Versatility: 85

 

Overall: 89

 

Every single prejudice you have ever heard of brazilians is confirmed when meeting Guim. Just go grab any wild male chimpanzee, inject him with rabies and it will still look and act like Richard Dawkins next to Guim. The sumerian who invented the caps lock in ancient scriptures is said to have attempted suicide in heaven after seeing what Guim made out of it. God himself threatened another mass flooding made out of piss if he ever saw guim around a keyboard again. One of his signature 15 minute rants and you will feel like you just swallowed a gallon full of mouthwash. 

ISH is already a community full of people that barely matured into their 20’s, but Guim takes the top spot for most spastic. Remove the stimulus of WW1 ISH out of his sight and his body will still be suffering from the after-effects for a few days more. It’s enough to make a man unable to sleep.  

 

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Guim unable to sleep after an ISH game

 

Guim’s entire family and childhood favela could burn in front of his eyes and he still wouldn’t react as badly as he does to an ISH loss. Bolsonaro attempted to recruit that potential for shrieking into the brazilian armed forces in case he needed to dissuade a venezuelan refugee invasion, fully in knowledge they would rather starve than share any lebensraum with Guim. If DiCaprio’s character from Django Unchained examined Guim’s skull, he would find more groups of 3 points than in a Steph Curry season. Whenever he gets going you can hear the Donkey Kong 64 rap playing in the background. 

 

But what makes this man so astonishingly explosive? He possesses all of the components of the Von Neumann autism architecture. Misinterprets every information given to him as brazilian education couldn’t afford proper reading skills. A lack of impulse control unit, what other humans call prefrontal cortex, so as to regulate not spamming caps like a child. The emotional shocks have been so strong for Guim that he has fainted multiple times, but nobody in his family is shocked by it, it’s just considered usual brazilian flip flopping. 

 

He’s been a priority on Brazil’s target list for capital punishment after giving them a bad name on top of it’s abysmal reputation. Once he gets into shouting mode, it’s enough to make others try to pull their hair and after they’ve removed the entire scalp, they try to pull their teeth out with their fingers. He has already left the server innumerable times and proclaiming “ISH is dead”, but his addiction has him back 12 hours later. He has become the unofficial leader of the cannibal ISH crew with queen regent Phansom, ready to feast on any ISH player they try to scapegoat for anything going wrong with their lives. Seemingly unable to part ways with the ISH community, he will always be there to spam pictures of trannies accompanied with claims of them being his gf’s. 

 

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ISH players reaction after seeing Guim's GF

 

5- drd (should fucking retire)

 

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Infantry: 90

Howitzer: 95

Plays: 85

Teamwork: 80

Composure: 70

Awareness: 85

Versatility: 90

 

Overall: 86

 

Drd could probably be considered a human and is therefore someone who’s human rights should be protected. If his human rights are slightly violated, as in the case of not being waited for an EU IV game, vengeance will consume whatever is left of drd’s mind which lead to the termination of his BFF contract with Inferous, along with his exit from the forest, what he once called his home. At first overwhelmed by separation anxiety, his mind and memories fragmented until he learnt to trust nobody but himself.  

 

As explained by his surrogate father Sir, drd has completely forgotten how to interact in a normal way. His repertoire includes the words WOOOOOO, any cares?, ambition, ni****, ambitionless, dogs or a combination of the above such as ambitionless ni****, ambitionless dogs. This may seem basic but it was actually a welcome evolution from “GRIEF AND RUIN”, which leads some to think that drd only shows signs of brain activity every 5 year cycles. Fittingly, his playstyle in ISH is a mirror of his cognitive processes, making his units patrol nonstop between point A and point B.

 

A very vengeful and bitter individual, drd will draw red circles around his enemies like he’s designing the next Ghostbusters logo. He will post how many blocked messages he sees just to taunt them. Seemingly his only opinion and consideration of other people is that they “should fucking retire”. A very savvy businessman, he realized that despite his behavior, he won’t be kicked from the ISH/WC3 FAM discord because pusan needs someone to promote accelerationism in ISH players through n-word spamming.  This leaves him unchecked and free to crusade against ambitionless gamers for the crime of wasting their time playing games.

 

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Humanity's reaction after seeing drd's appalling behavior

 

The reason for drd’s behavior this is that neurogenesis stopped for him at age 13. The last doctor that saw him calculated his life expectancy up to 27. He behaved in such an unstable manner, it made children with tourette’s feel well adjusted. Ever since he reached the age of consent, he’s been in a permanent Ferris Bueller’s Day Off lifestyle, only living off his stock investments. He still interacts with the diplo community but EU IV crashes everytime he tries to play it, because it can’t compute how all of that rich history of technological and cultural advancements led to drd.

 

6- Aperson / Ape

 

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Infantry: 85

Howitzer: 85

Plays: 80

Teamwork: 75 

Composure: 85

Awareness: 80

Versatility: 90

 

Overall: 85

 

“A person” doesn’t fit him, you have to dehumanize him as much as possible, and the nickname “ape” proved to be perfect for that. He became famous after he made a cameo appearance on a Joe Rogan chimps are vicious video, which attracted multiple scientists to him. He played wc3 for the first time after receiving digital ape training, an innovative unorthodox technique designed to incorporate primates into gamer communities, they figured there wouldn’t be much difference after meeting diploers. The technique embedded the skill set required to play ish, such as spamming low cost trenches everywhere, press Q, move a unit 1 inch forward then press Q again, rinse and repeat. Within 2 days, he reached the average ISH skillcap, since it’s lower than the one required to play children’s educational geometric block games. 

 

He quickly showed to share 99% DNA with ISH players through having the same temper problems, that same ISH DNA is also known as Junk DNA. The rest of the 1% codes for multiple chips on his left shoulder. His cherry popped during this time and quickly established himself as one of the most volatile players, going on numerous ragequit sprees. 

 

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Ape after realizing he made a dreadnought as Russia

 

Child protection services were horrified when they found ape at a cybercafe playing ISH. They quickly mobilized resources to have him adopted and properly socialized. After being received in his new home, his 4 human brothers bullied him for being unable to master toilet training on his own until his teenage years. He had his Rise of the Planet of the Apes Caesar moment when his first words were “FUCKING IDIOT”. He became the Fredo of this large family and is always living under the shadow of his brother, Deuce, an expert in getting thrashed in the final stages of Warcraft 3 melee tournaments. Ape, not wanting to be left behind, gets trounced on his own ways in ISH aswell. 

 

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Ape when he tries to carry on an important slot

 

There are 2 things keeping ape’s potential back. The fact that he doesn’t have his own PC yet, failing to build his own with sticks and rocks and having to share PC’s with his more skilled brothers. The second one is once the anger is activated through the limbic system, he can’t even be put back together with Krazy Glue. His anger got so uncontrollable he threw his PC at his own mother, who proceeded to beat him up so hard he couldn’t play ISH or RR for the next 2 years and only recently returned. 

 

7- EagleMan

 

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Infantry: 85

Howitzer: 80

Plays: 95

Teamwork: 75

Composure: 80

Awareness: 95

Versatility: 85

 

Overall: 84

 

EagleMan, a permanent cast member of the Diplo Directors throughout most of its seasons and one of the few that doesn’t quit within 3 months due to it’s less than stellar leadership. His character arc has been described as one of the worst in TV history, after all it’s been 12 years since his introduction and he still has hidden intentions while communicating in bad faith. Eagle’s tact for diplomacy guided him to join forces with Enclop to teach diploers about their white privilege. Qanon then succesfully predicted that he would go on to create his own justice group, being the Batman of the Jannie League. 

 

It was a predictable outcome for such an unpredictable man, given his californian upbringing, where he was forced to use slave chains in high school at least once a week to learn of the horrors of slavery. Despite his first language being Figure of Speech, he learnt spanish and german, as he considered english the language of sin and would routinely say “danke” to the school chefs. Eagle usually keeps this a secret, as well as being a family relative of Chris Hansen, known nowadays for harassing youtubers and civilians in the street. Since the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, EagleMan preys on vulnerable maps on the verge of death, editing them enough to add his own name to the credits list. 

 

If he’s not playing ISH/Hots or replaying 90’s games campaigns for the 10th time, he can be found in his own personal film studio, watching reruns of 12 Years a Slave and Thelma & Louise while being surrounded by his own Kleenex boxes arranged in trench formations. He only comes out of his kinoplex if someone schedules a game with him a month in advance, if you arrive 2 minutes late he will say “betrayed” and jump out the nearest window.  His OCD has continued to worsen and he can only play hots if he gets to pick Lucio. 

 

It’s only been downhill since then. Neighbours have called 911 after seeing him self flagellate with a medieval mace while shouting "OH THIS IS MY JAM" right after the BLM riots started. When police questioned what he was doing, eagle just shouted back "IM ACTING" in response.  He started bending the knee every time he crossed a POC on the street and even online. He lost his job when he gave his position to a woman, since there was only a 60/40 ratio of men-to-women in his workplace and donated all of his money to the Democratic Party. He started working out religiously so his physique could resemble that of his idol, Abby from The Last of Us 2, but ended up getting kicked out of ANTIFA because his muscle mass was considered too patriarchal. 

 

On the verge of mental exhaustion and emotional breakdown, Eagle flew low towards his home, but almost got a heart attack when he saw an “It’s okay to be white” sign. He tried to carry out a final infiltration attack on The Donald but his internet feed was collapsed by Tucker Carlson videos. Enough was enough for him, it was time to escape from the clown world and so he returned to work in jimmy’s ISH slave plantation.

 

Eagleman after accepting his fate:

 

8, 9 & 10- Pubs that join ISH games but end up getting kicked after waiting 45 minutes

 

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11- Capt

 

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Infantry: 85

Howitzer: 90

Plays: 80

Teamwork: 85

Composure: 75

Awareness: 80

Versatility: 80

 

Overall: 83

 

If you believe we live in a clown world, look no further than Capt, the captain of the Ship of Fools. Here we have someone who has inhaled a dreadnought worth of anti-fouling paint and clearly felt the after-effects of it. Just a couple of sentences from him and you can tell his neurons are pulling a mutiny on him. This is a man who thinks 7.62 NATO rounds can’t be heard from 300m away, no punchline needed. He’s not well known to the diplo world at large as he’s been successfully contained so far in the WC3 FAM discord. Many theories have been put forward to what gave birth to this creature, although it all makes sense once you learn the truth. 

 

When your introduction to a community is done by Pusan, expectations for your behavior are at the lowest possible, yet capt will have an ace in the hole by being more embarrassing than you previously thought possible. Spankfurt’s metaphor of “pulled him out of the mud in Orthanc” doesn’t quite encompass the significance of it, it was more of a naked Jim Carrey coming out of a Rhinoceros’ asshole while making struggling-to-breath noises scenario. 

 

But struggling to breath isn’t the only thing that characterizes capt. He considers himself an “old timer”, undeterred by the fact that he came out of pusan’s uterus somewhere around 2016-2017. He plays like someone who has been suffering from scurvy for a decade. He holds the trifecta of the incompetent manchild: Crying, dying and lying. His arrival coincided with the Great Depression of ISH, a strong dwindling of the player base despite being supported by IMF lending programs and discord servers, needing to spam pings for an hour in order to fill lobbies with the same 10 players and 2 pubs. 

 

Born in New Zealand, he wasn’t allowed to get any maori tattoos, as he represented everything opposite of a warrior. When Jacinda Ardern appeared as a strong candidate, Capt offered money to become a candidate for the NZ National Party, only to be laughed out of the building and then have the shit beat out of him outside, in order to dissuade any future attempts. After this event, Capt has become completely fragile to any perceived attack upon his persona. 

 

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Capt's luxury apartment in NZ

 

As a merchant of failed hype, capt’s biggest accomplishments are entering pro PUBG competitions and earning second to last place after the last placed person couldn’t stop laughing at capt’s aim. The amount of money he has earnt in his “professional” gamer career is the amount of money he offered pusan to getting admin in the discord server, about 50 dollars. And that’s after adding 50 dollars from a corona stimulus check. 

 

Capt has also been a victim of anoxic brain injury through drowning multiple times, as his co-workers frequently throw him overboard after 15 minutes of being next to him. For his birthday, they even attempted to roleplay a pirate-ish walking the plank scenario with him, but the plank refused and fell to the ocean before it even began, citing “you can’t just let any moron walk all over you”. Capt became so salty, he gave his toilet kidney failure after a pissing endeavor. 

 

Lately he’s been in full bitch mode and felt rightfully threatened when he saw another retard spammer spinning on the floor and taking his role, his territory and his identity: Stormy. 

 

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Finding his doppelganger made his mental health completely deteriorate, and it was already in terrible shape. What began as a series of skirmishes done in the most unintelligent way possible, known as the Mongolian Wars, devolved fast and both rapidly regressed in maturity, chimpanzee screeching sounds from both Stormy and Capt flooding the server. Capt unironically started offering money to buy discord root admin so he could kick him out and other “diploers”. 

 

Pusan, possibly aware that capt as root admin could be even worse than himself, suggested a different solution; 

 

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He put it to a vote. It’s unknown how much capt spent to buy votes, but in one of the most closely contested elections in recent times, Stormy ended up getting kicked in a 12-11 tally. Celebrations occurred spontaneously after this public beheading, but the seed of incessant whining remained in the server. The biggest trick the devil pulled was convincing everyone that he wasn’t the same breed as Stormy. 

 

And so the truth was revealed, the one who complains about others ended up being the biggest bitch in the relationship. Capt’s frustration for never being able to solve his gender disphoria problem made him double down on his hatred of diploers. He’s shown to be so sensitive that a mere sea breeze gets his tits up faster than a chinese hospital is built during a breakout. He started wearing earplugs to play Warzone, just so he could handle the gun noises. His team also started wearing earplugs, just so they could handle capt’s whining.  

 

He doesn't only lie in WW1 ISH, but he also lied about his FPS skills, so he wasn’t just exposed as a fraud in ISH, his fraudulency as a FPS player got exposed when he tried to play warzone. After months of talking shit, he turned out to be a bigger false hype stunt than Bors threatening to rape Abdel. 

 

Capt will usually go on ranting meltdowns, only to excuse himself at the end with “i was just trolling xd”, but to the rest it just feels like a Ludovico Aversion Therapy of being forced to watch a worst player’s anti-highlights over and over. Despite the “””trolling””” claim, capt forgets the first rule to be successful at it: being funny. So in the end capt’s claims of being a professional player only ends up fall flat and only ends up looking like a professional victim. It’s the exact level of composure expected of someone who’s willing to pay 50 dollars just to get someone kicked off a discord instead of just ignoring them or trying to do it for free. He has become a safe space addict, his response to any attack being nowadays “put him to a vote pusan”, hoping his surrogate mother will protect him when he’s in danger.

 

As his ego grows bigger unlike his actual skills, he has declared himself the best France. France is notorious in ISH for being the most braindead nation to play, only needing to push West Germany while making it a 2v1 contest because Great Britain is helping throughout the entire ordeal. There's absolutely 0 thinking needed to play them. He even renamed himself to Phillip Petard, proud of this while everyone else laughs at his grandiose claims.

 

The only appropiate reaction to Capt's outrageous claims of being one of the best ISH players:

 

 

12- Phansom / DontBanTheMan / Patrick

 

iHo1cgovWJT-56VX2ATKuyEUOYrGdReLXrkUAjHdaES0M2qYLxRX0WVMi1a04u9kB_Hegf8u3M0RwD9IoKvnhUzIB85M1L4yeF14o5cZSwNtOGP7Nr41q3UlwQ05_sa6wY-rYGDf

 

Infantry: 80

Howitzer: 85

Plays: 75

Teamwork: 90

Composure: 80

Awareness: 85

Versatility: 80

 

Overall: 83

 

The man who single handledly attempted to revive ISH after he got bored of hour-long dota 2 games consisting of last hitting allied minions at the right time and spamming civilian factories for 7 hours in a row in Hearts of Iron IV. He couldn’t live with his failures and came back to his favorite game that most resembled dota 2 and HOI IV, Lobby Simulator ISH. Never one to shy away from responsibility unless it means playing an actual important nation that requires skill against good players, he has tried to become the de-facto leader of the ISH revival, only to be nothing more than it's chaperone.

 

Patrick1.thumb.gif.810f34495615c0b995d33061b5b847a8.gif

Patrick promoting the ISH revival in his signature style

 

Patrick may have been called a diva in the past but it’s not because of playing ISH while having painted eyebrows. It’s because he’s a damsel in distress type of player who’s favorite tactic is teammate blaming, while not doing much on his own. It's hard to identify a player's strengths when he has no strengths. Infact, it is said Patrick’s greatest play in a game was typing @everyone to get people to join. He was Karen before Karen was a meme. It's become a running gag for him to go to the enemy team voice chat and begin a 10 minute complaint essay until someone points out to him there's no manager around. When Patrick gives a narrative of how he’s being attacked in ISH, you would think he just got a nuclear bomb dropped on him, only to see that it’s actually 3 howitzers and 10 infantry pushing him.

 

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Patrick faking an injury and hoping to get rescued

 

He’s the ultimate non-carry player, needing strong alpha teammates to get his ass to the finish line just so he can unsuccesfuly try to breed with them afterwards. If you point this out, there’s a permanent tone of indignation in his voice, as if you should’ve known better. Talking to him after a lost game feels like you're breaking up with him and it's not him, it's you. His level of condescension reached the point that he was lecturing a group of disabled Iraq War veterans about the cruelty of war through WW1 ISH replays. Although being part of the ISH revival, his current method of running the community is banning new players so he can keep the ISH gangers a tight closed group.

 

13- Blackjacks

 

hlL3XvKwKMtvwnWFWS7qpxgUkZNkWkta_wOl027hq5DbWqBUkOeuPkYqlfTYMRk3sGCmhoceEJfHsKCWvC6gttsjFyRsWoqGj1Ro21CH-dyLVc-LCRPdJTIuVybxa7i3ueBqYbGc

It appears your trenches aren’t as filled as you claimed, Mr. BJ

 

Infantry: 75

Howitzer: 80

Plays: 75

Teamwork: 85

Composure: 70

Awareness: 80

Versatility: 85

 

Overall: 80

 

He arrived to the name Blackjacks because his playstyle consists of saying “hit me” the entire game as his infantry and howitzer count goes through a downward regression right to the bottom. A classical player who’s skill for gaming is nowhere near his enthusiasm for it, being a mainstay in multiple wc3 RTS games and always appearing at the ending credits. When i say classic, i mean he’s an older timer who clearly hasn’t been treated well by the passage of time, he basically got Hiroshima’d by it, but he’s still somewhat of a respected RTS player. Such an experienced player who’s mind constantly seems to be at 16 fps and his fingers lagging behind by a good 1000ms is pretty much a tragedy. If you pay attention while he’s playing, you can slightly hear the Requiem for a Dream theme. His good intentions can’t quite seem to make up for his mistakes and the end of his character arc usually ends with someone else saying “Blackjacks sleeps with the fishes”.

 

14- MatthewB

 

GPzYWP3qt5XaBMHkvnzDxL1jlFoMiJfFlvNwtk722fxQtVslkalLwljgvWiimW66L_MEv6ip6YatzrIKdVN8KpTlh69ClbtkCx7B-4t_8TJhkNpeIrl-ivjVSKkJzIc-iij3vFQk

 

Infantry: 80

Howitzer: 85

Plays: 75

Teamwork: 80

Composure: 85

Awareness: 75

Versatility: 80

 

Overall: 80

 

MatthewBroderick, a hard-working man capable of taking 3 jobs at once and being employee of the month in all of them. He’s not only reliable IRL, but also in ISH. Everytime he’s needed to perform, he arrives with a serial killer demeanor and will finish his job in complete silence. Having to play the same nations over and over does not bother him, playing as commonwealth for entente in ISH strokes MattyBee’s patriotism and sheds a tear everytime america joins the war in 1917, putting his MAGA hat on once it happens. As a matter of fact, it seems nothing bothers him at all. When he gunned down multiple BLM protestors, his only reply was “Nothing of value was lost”. He feels no pain, he feels no remorse, he’s for all purposes the antithesis of an ISH player. The only time he ever loses his composure is when someone says orange man bad, as that person has basically signed his death sentence.

 

  

15- Pusan

 

_noAl6oZfVrG-efj6uiW7gUgGTFDbxjV-cOTVnzt1mUxDTXcsoyOGhNvA36heTS5qEfR6-sAEVM_K7d2E-MUluQYBIYxv0DpxxF2rt7l7Ca3n3W-N7upGHUpQkc0E-h6WvO9xymd

 

Infantry: 80

Howitzer: 75

Plays: 90

Teamwork: 80

Composure: 65

Awareness: 85

Versatility: 75

 

Overall: 79

 

Now this kid, this kid was great, they used to call him no-spitshine Pussy, he would swallow your cum like he was accepting an australian welfare check and keep it there hanging for a few hours. He would make your dick and balls look like fucking mirrors. With great power, comes great responsibility, and there’s no man less suited for it than Pusan. You could say he represents the current face of ISH, entitled, arrogant, unskilled and unapologetically retarded. His entire life can be resumed as “brilliant but lazy...”, except for the brilliant part. If you have ever seen a politician so disgustingly immoral and shamelessly incompetent holding a position of power, Pusan would be the offspring between that and a Stormy home cooked veggie burger. 

 

When Pusan’s mother realized what kind of an abomination he was going to grow into just at the age of 10, she started praying “My god, i'm sorry for my sins with all my heart. I have sinned against you by breeding Pusan, whom i should love above all things but i just can’t. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil”. God proceeded to lock pusan in the basement for the next 15 years, only able to escape after the australian fires destroyed his mother’s aboriginal hut. Once he was out in the real world, he met his fellow abo’s. In that world, you either fight or get fucked, and Pusan got fucked. 

 

When the planets aligned in a perfect pentagram formation, Pusan, back then called pusanperim, found a greece game hosted by jimmy. Jimmy was too drunk to realize that he had just found the antichrist, so he allowed this Ephialtes of Trachis lookalike to play. 

 

 

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Thank you for this opportunity... Trench

 

Deception and deceit are the main tools of the antichrist, and so he wormed his way into acquiring positions of power with his next target being real life institutions instead of gamer power trip fantasies. After playing 1000 hours of Squad he tried to join the australian armed forces, bringing a screenshot of his steam profile in a folder named "Lebenslauf" to the recruitment process. The recruiter stared at it silently for 10 minutes and then just asked him to not attempt a gender transition if he got in, which was starting to become an australian national hobby. Once he was called up for the physical tests, he brought a mouse, a keyboard and a sunken plastic structure that looked like the remnants of an armchair. They didn’t even bother calling him up for the psychological check up. 

 

Once he’s ingame, his intellectual abilities are quickly shot in the back of the head and there is nothing he can do about it. His biggest failure as a WW1 ISH player is that whenever someone beats him it barely even registers in his opponent’s brain and there’s no dopamine release. It feels like beating Glass Joe in a starving russian’s uniform suffering from brain frostbite. This has severe implications for keeping the game alive, as nobody wants an auto win every game if they play against him. But by far, his biggest crime is playing GB, it would have made Churchill drink to his death 50 years earlier. He’s the only british player capable of landing in north eastern germany, driving around austria and hungary and reaching the alps to get just one small town. His GB roleplay consists of being stranded like Robinson Crusoe for 2 years until he finally starts moving like a smooth operator, smoothly doing jackshit. 

 

 

Pusan4.thumb.gif.d4436b8bcdf6cad0d0b867192a8c2b58.gif

Pusan after getting his shit kicked in then carried at the end

 

 

His devious tactics of mass allying in RTS games can’t work in WW1 ISH for obvious reasons, which makes him a severe obstacle for any team that plays him. If he was employed as an actor in James Cameron’s Titanic, he would be the Iceberg. Any front he’s involved in quickly becomes a Pax Pusannica. He’s the Quintilius Varus of ww1 infantry. Someone who’s freakouts are so severe he makes Joe Pesci’s killing of Spider in Goodfellas look like friendly banter in comparison. Nuking an entire discord full of interconnected people after a ragequit is the easy part, the hard part for him is having the patience to wait 3 months until everybody forgets so he can get away with it unscathed. Lately his freakouts have evolved from rage quitting in 1915 to rage quitting in 1914 and he still isn’t court martialed by the community for ruining multiple games.  

 

 

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Overly excited gamer who thought he had lost all hope loses last additional bit of hope he didn’t even know he still had in October 1914

 

Competing with ISH players for having the longest list of personality defects and becoming the most morally repugnant player seems like a hard task, but he's proven to be world class at this and became the Michael Jordan of awful once he added victimization to his traits. He will supress off any attempts at bad-mouthing his skill level by accusing it of being propaganda and muting the microphone of any player that dares question his competence. This press censorship would be succesful if it wasn't for the fact that everyone saw when he went West Germany and had a mental breakdown within 2 minutes by desperately typing "jesus christ, how do people even play this nation" when he realized he couldn't micro 2 fronts 5 inches apart from each other. No amount of xd emoticons could salvage this calamity and the shame of this performance was permanently engraved into player's minds, for better or worse.

 

He has proven to be the Eric Cartman of voice chat. From spamming “ni****” in VC he switched to a more family friendly programming by beginning every sentence with “uhhhhhhh” and saying “OH N-” every 5 seconds, the man clearly isn’t resourceful. When brain upload becomes a reality, pusan’s entire process will be done through a floppy disk. This is a being so morally disgusting that when he was at his mother’s open casket funeral, he remarked “I wouldn’t even rape that”. Nevermind that his mother’s casket was an overgrown shinebox. His knowledge amounts to WW1 and WW2 books, multiple interpretations of Mein Kampf and aboriginal mythology. He got so much aboriginal blood in him, his birth certificate says “endangered species” in it. Since he clearly avoids any sort of punishment for his actions, the only hope left for anyone that has interacted with Pusan is that he keeps suffering when he remembers his ISH performances mid-sleep. 

 

 

Pusan when his brain sadistically reminds him of his performances

 

16- Spankfurt

 

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Infantry: 75

Howitzer: 85

Plays: 75

Teamwork: 80

Composure: 75

Awareness: 80

Versatility: 75

 

Overall: 78

 

The man who has become the ultimate Band-Aid director for Diplo, since everyone competent left and went on to do bigger things, currently presiding over it’s worst era ever. Bleeding members every month, degeneracy and anime being shared on a constant basis, revolting cooking pics, executive officers being promoted and demoted within weeks. Cringeposting has become the bread and butter of everyday and few can outpace Spankfurt himself in this regard. Critics have pointed out that the cause for this erratic behavior is that he can’t yet decide if his true daddy is Bors or Abdel. As he felt his t-shirts shrinking and his scalp growing more sensitive to the sun with less patches of hair to protect it, he seeked internet power to compensate for this physical decline. He soon learnt of the dangers involved after every meeting with his superiors ended up with him leaving in a wheelchair for a week, but this only pushed him further ahead in the quest to becoming a diplo director. 

 

Pol has rotten his brain to the point that he can’t discuss politics without memes. It’s another case of a radicalized young man, not just mentally but also radicalized in his body weight and shape. If it’s not an alt-right talking point, he will need to be handheld throughout it. It has lead him to become a Steak with better grammar and fewer paternity suits. He has been completely paranoid of “jewish driveby’s”, considering those anything that presents a different point of view to his. 

It’s not only him forgetting how to use facts and logic to navigate through life, it’s also affected his already diminished gaming skills. He couldn’t figure out how to throw tactical and lethal grenades on warzone after 50 hours. Since he started using his mic again, reports have been given of hearing a very unnerving and loud mouth breathing. 

 

 

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Spencer’s shit eating grin every time he posts a pol screenshot

 

 

A well known gaming pack hunter, any opportunity of 1v1 turns him into Frosty the Snowman, completely frozen in fear. He’s mastered the arts of dodging everything thrown at him, it’s called the Spencer Shuffle, he takes small steps pretending to go one way then goes the complete opposite direction. 

 

 

Spank3.thumb.gif.ecba737e7ee73f97ea70588b549905ab.gif

Spencer’s gaming shuffle in display

 

With this technique he was able to dodge the coh 2 diplo classic match for weeks, attempted to dodge the 3rd match against DC until Abdel threatened to have Bors rape him, dodged the coh 2 tourmanent for over a month until getting DQ’d, dodged the warhammer 2 tournament, dodged another non-diplo warhammer 2 tournament, dodged responsibilities as a director in politics chat and dodges making sense on his posts. The chinese and russian governments have carefully followed his moves in order to advance in dodging GPS guided weaponry. Given his record, there are high chances that he will even be able to dodge death itself, free to lurk 4chan for eternity. 

 

 

Spank4.thumb.gif.4e49281251fda91d3201c9ccbcf1d7ed.gif

Spencer frozen in fear if he has to play anything competitive 1v1

 

 

Fear of playing without flanked by teammates to take the fall for him isn’t his only motivation. Tormented by a severe fear of missing out on games and knowing what happens in Bors Bar Corporation (BBC). This led him to play games he usually wouldn’t, such as ISH and Warzone. He brings the practice of taking food pics into ISH, taking the most unimpressive post-game stats screenshots, like a starting forward in the EFL Championship with 5 goals per season posting his stats on instagram. All of this despite being on his ISH honeymoon period of playing every straightforward faction with low responsibilities and apm needed. The reason for this is his Three O’s strategy: Overrating his own opinion, Overrating what he like and Overrating himself. A symptom of this can be seen in Warzone, where he will chatter incessantly about the damage he makes, despite having the lowest KD ratio of all diploers at under 0.5. 

 

His organization skills entered into direct competition with his gaming skills to see who could fall down lower. His RR tournament organization skills consisted of him stealing the food from the players and telling captains every 2 weeks “ok boys, get your games in” followed by a small feminine clap that wouldn’t even motivate a rat to find cheese. His first gaming event for diplo ended up having the worst attendance since the streets of Wuhan at 3 am on January. At first he thought hundredths of diploers would arrive but it was revealed to be a ploy by TikTok users falsely requesting attendance tickets while having Darude Sandstorm as their background music. Realizing that he had been rused, he took his favorite substance, Bleach, and poured it over his eyes so as to never watch another TikTok video again. 

 

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The bleach dripped into his hair and quickly killed the few hair follicles left

 

While playing sober he can be somewhat bearable, a drink in and he becomes a Mr. Hyde you’re willing to hire a hitman to take out. Forget the hitman, grab the knife on your own. Two drinks in and he will begin acting like a false rape accusation author. Playing with him at this point just makes you feel like you just grew new wisdom tooth and got them pulled out without any anesthesia. He will Amber Heard you throughout the rest of the night. The volume of praise he will give out in public is equivalent to amount of character assassination he will attempt behind the scenes. He will chase you with an axe and then berate you for trying to kill him. At this point it is strongly recommended you delete all your accounts and forget diplo ever existed. 

 

17- bountykillah / Multihero

 

DS7hu4mXqZF313eT_dzMEQdHF2JmJqVcm671QtRPMVUgpoIvRweB7JasPI5Y3aHG4CuzHz8U2f6Ox2LPNRozeDFP4ZG3nFTDpYIpusBgsEq5WNO7sZMD2QJ9i-kX6voo6IBa-UQw

 

Infantry: 75

Howitzer: 85

Plays: 75

Teamwork: 70

Composure: 75

Awareness: 80

Versatility: 80

 

Overall: 78

 

Kid Dynamite all grown up but never reached his potential. This means he's the ultimate never-was player in both ISH and banjo. For every major event he would talk more trash than Conor Mcgregor after 12 proper twelves, he hyped every single one of his showings promising he would finally deliver. PPV buyrates soared high like Bane's tits with wings and Ecstasy of Gold would be played as his entrance theme once he showed up. Once the bell rung, he would finally show his prowress and prove he was at the top of the food chain. But that was not to be his fate:

 

BKid1.thumb.gif.68a0009c17c4fe23081a6da1390da2e6.gif

Bkid's 3 seconds of fame in every competitive situation he's been in

 

After a decade of failures and a winrate dangerously close to 0%, he stopped training 12 hours a day once he got married. Usually after marriage, a player’s skills considerably drop, but for Bkid they remained the same, that of someone with a strong tendency to melt and who’s presence was never truly felt, whether it was banjo or ISH. Once he’s melted, he karate chops his team’s chances of winning like a Shotokan black belt. A purely instinctive player, the only proper explanation to why he seems to never think while he plays is that he thinks with his dick. 


Nowadays he’s only accepting fights and WW1 ISH games to pay his debts to the government, but he still hasn’t paid his debt to society that amount to over thousands of throws. He also returned to banjo and has grown so used to being in the bottom, he’s become bioluminescent. He had record-breaking low levels of ELO for a veteran player, which made Jimmy keep him around so as to make himself look better. While he can still hustle a good banter here and there, his competitive days are officially over and its only a matter of time until he's inducted into the Hall of Shame. 

 

18- Chabal

 

ng8TblSmY5lZnLb5g2xe_Vm9zg0124RnPLk2gHXAJDUzW3h5kArkCeTk6LLBbQMT4cKMWhFWVeQLp29dvQKmRl8yJMbyt2zoPDAKOld0lcQK5heBrc4nyndCko-2S2TxFcoEMMac

I DON’T PLAY...I… I… I DON’T PLAY. YEAH, I...I DON’T PLAY

 

Infantry: 75

Howitzer: 75

Plays: 75

Teamwork: 80

Composure: 70

Awareness: 75

Versatility: 80

 

Overall: 76

 

Chabal is a longtime veteran of the RTS community but barely recognized because neither of his names make any sense (TheVinylRaider and elchabalin). Fully cemented his legacy to be forever remembered as the man who lost a hero while creeping in a competitive BFME match and his only explanation for this was typing "LOLOLOLOL".

 

He’s become a chillbro completely, acquiring a lost look in his reddened eyes due to incessant smoking and a brain almost as deteriorated as drd’s, the panic attacks always a possibility if a game becomes too serious. Thoroughly dedicated to losing every meaningful 1v1 in sc2, his entire skill set consists of watching 100 hours of build orders and only being able to perform them at a quarter of the speed required. So much watching and so little doing has turned his brain into easily malleable mush.
 

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Chabal’s head after using headphones for more than 30 minutes

 

But it can always get worse. After claiming to do 1000 squats despite having the calves of an ostrich, he was also revealed to have culturally appropriated tattoos on it. He’s also been spotted harassing Scarlet for his slavic autism videos where he sings and seemingly takes shits on the outside due to no nearby bathroom being available. Despite the chill demeanor, he has threatened to stab people over multiple discords, revealing his true savage nature. Recently, he tried his hand at ISH again and he was revealed to be in a worse state than the Catalan independence movement. 

 

What chabal looks like trying to push in WW1 ISH

 

19- Nodle

 

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Infantry: 75

Howitzer: 70

Plays: 70

Teamwork: 80

Composure: 65

Awareness: 70

Versatility: 75

 

Overall: 74

 

Nodle doesn’t need any introduction, just like he doesn’t need any sendoff because you can expect him to leave quickly. Respect for Nodle’s ww1 ish talent ranges from “pub player” all the way down to “rather keep the slot closed”. Some have even reported seeing him type -war netherlands when playing solo and losing to them in a 1v1 as West Germany. 

The only production you see from Nodle in an ISH game is him inundating his keyboard with his own drool. You could inject him with 10 adrenaline shots and he would only push 10% faster. 

 

What could be hurting his skills is that he was severely traumatized after the schism, why? He does not know, too traumatized to remember. He hates drama and will be very dramatic and vocal about his hatred of it, even creating his own drama in an attempt to stop all the drama from unfolding. It’s hard to fault Nodle for this, as he was promised the forums would revive, but they’re in a state of death worse than his Serbia in December 1914. 

 

20- Arthos

 

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Infantry: 75

Howitzer: 75

Plays: 70

Teamwork: 70

Composure: 70

Awareness: 75

Versatility: 60

 

Overall: 71

 

There’s no more true devotion to a person than Arthos, the first hype man in history to do hand jobs while hyping his man up. It was enough to make Abdel’s wife jealous of Arthos, even though she’s been with dozens of bulls just in the past week. He’s been known to compete with Abdel’s children on who can get more attention from him, down right to wearing mini skirts that show his hairless malnutritioned calves and thighs. After seeing it didn’t work, he switched tactics and wore a full body Burqa to make himself more attractive to him. But the status quo remained. If sexual appeal was not going to work, there had to be another way to earn his validation. 

 

It may seem weird to everyone else but there’s a clear objective in mind: being adopted by the sultan himself. Acquiring a sugar daddy would save him from the recession Argentina will be stuck in for the next century. He’s been known to sniff any chair Abdel has been in for longer than 2 minutes. A groupie in its purest expression, he will follow him everywhere on the internet until he’s fully capable of doing it IRL as well, coming in through the bathroom window. His WW1 skills? Fuck if i know, he’s only played once and DC’d 15 minutes in. He’s team ended up winning though, which gives him more wins than Argentina’s in international football cups since 1991. 

 

21- Burden

 

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"Why am i Carl the Cuck? I look nothing like him!"

 

Infantry: 70

Howitzer: 65

Plays: 65

Teamwork: 75

Composure: 70

Awareness: 60

Versatility: 60

 

Overall: 67

 

A player name hasn’t been more fitting for a WW1 player since “pussy” for Pusan. He’s the Gandalf the Gray of WW1 ISH, taking into consideration movie gandalf’s only powers were crafting fireworks, smoking hollow rings and dying midway throughout the film. Constantly praised for hosting the Diplo Bingo sessions, the exact opposite of praise is given to his RTS skills. Although he has 5000 hours of paradrone games under his belt, he’s only won 2 bingos in 3 years. 

 

He had the bravery to play ISH even though deep in his heart he knew he would just get smoked without a filter. Trying to get in shape for his return, he attempted one squat and was stuck there for hours until the missus picked him up. Miserably outdated, he attempted to play ISH with an arcade machine in his first return match. The credentials for him being a real old timer were so strong, when he was greeted at the entrance by the usher, the latter asked: “First name Burden, last name 3000 B.C!?”. Spotted in the stadium getting ready to play, someone in the crowd asked him: "Which son of yours is in the entente”. 

 

To his dismay, there was no economy to manage in ISH, as it’s a game that only attracts mentally stunted people. It took him about 10 minutes until he figured out he could actually move individual units, unlike paradrone games. Despite this very notorious setback, nobody noticed any difference in his playstyle. 

 

15 minutes into his first return game he was already being rushed into the emergency room. The diagnosis was multiple heart attacks, soiling himself and a ruptured herniated disk. The doctor wrote down as causes of injury: Multiple fatalities performed on patient. Burden’s cries of pain mimicked those of gollum after he lost the ring. Lactic acid accumulated in his legs after 2 minutes of gameplay were burning him on the inside. Just 10 minutes of an ISH game hurt him more than an Inferous one liner. A swat team broke in thinking someone was being tortured to death at the hospital but it was just burden trying to go to the bathroom on his own.

 

In a panic at seeing his state of decay, his will was opened. His family was horrified and felt betrayed after learning that he left his stock earnings to diplo. But Alzheimers betrayed Burden aswell, as it was stated in his will that all of his possessions were left to diplomunion.com, aka the rightful owner and soul of diplo, Bors. But preferring to be a Burden to his family than perish, he lived. Due to wrinkles at old age, Burden had multiple botox injections that softened up the tremendous barrage of blows he received in that game and it allowed him to survive. He decided to retire, as the tolls of fatigue were harder and harder on his body. He's gone from "Thats my ish of the day" to "Thats my ish for the decade". But one thing was accomplished by him in his only return game, he left the cannoli behind. 

 

 

Edited by cell_destroyer
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This is genius.

However I don't think I saw any commentary on my ISH skills. I think though the Diplo sitcom writers have laid a few seeds this season for future character arcs.

Also I do identify with Abby's arms, even the right kind of redness.

BtJWPzK.jpg

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